diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
index 933ef2c2..56ff2f1b 100644
--- a/README.md
+++ b/README.md
@@ -126,3 +126,87 @@ src/firetower/       # Django backend
 frontend/            # React frontend
 sdk/                 # Python SDK
 ```
+
+## Scheduled Tasks
+
+Scheduled tasks are stored as database objects and are managed via migrations.
+
+### Adding a Task
+
+First, define you task in the `SCHEDULES` map in `src/firetower/incidents/tasks.py`.
+
+Then, create a new migration referencing it:
+
+```python
+from django.db import migrations
+
+from firetower.incidents.tasks import SCHEDULES
+
+
+def create_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "[schedule name goes here]"
+    Schedule.objects.get_or_create(
+        name=schedule_name, defaults=SCHEDULES[schedule_name]
+    )
+
+
+def delete_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "schedule_demo"
+    Schedule.objects.filter(name=schedule_name).delete()
+
+
+class Migration(migrations.Migration):
+    dependencies = [
+        ("incidents", "[previous migration goes here]"),
+    ]
+
+    operations = [
+        migrations.RunPython(create_schedule, delete_schedule),
+    ]
+```
+
+### Removing a task
+
+First, generate the opposite of the migration used to add the schedule:
+
+```python
+from django.db import migrations
+
+from firetower.incidents.tasks import SCHEDULES
+
+
+def create_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "[schedule name goes here]"
+    Schedule.objects.get_or_create(
+        name=schedule_name, defaults=SCHEDULES[schedule_name]
+    )
+
+
+def delete_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "schedule_demo"
+    Schedule.objects.filter(name=schedule_name).delete()
+
+
+class Migration(migrations.Migration):
+    dependencies = [
+        ("incidents", "[previous migration goes here]"),
+    ]
+
+    operations = [
+        migrations.RunPython(delete_schedule, create_schedule),
+    ]
+```
+
+Once this migration has run everywhere, you can then remove the body from the `SCHEDULES` array, but keep the key since these are still referenced in legacy migrations!
+
+```python
+SCHEDULES = {
+    "schedule_demo": {
+        # Removed in <migration name>
+    },
+}
+```
diff --git a/docker/entrypoint.sh b/docker/entrypoint.sh
index b250e3a6..53082f95 100755
--- a/docker/entrypoint.sh
+++ b/docker/entrypoint.sh
@@ -4,16 +4,18 @@ set -e
 set -u
 set -x
 
+export PYTHONPATH="/app:${PYTHONPATH-}"
+
 if [ z"$1" = "zmigrate" ]; then
-    COMMAND="/app/.venv/bin/django-admin migrate --settings firetower.settings"
+    /app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run /app/.venv/bin/django-admin createcachetable --settings firetower.settings
+    exec /app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run /app/.venv/bin/django-admin migrate --settings firetower.settings
 elif [ z"$1" = "zserver" ]; then
-    COMMAND="/app/.venv/bin/granian --interface wsgi --host 0.0.0.0 --port $PORT firetower.wsgi:application"
+    exec /app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run /app/.venv/bin/granian --interface wsgi --host 0.0.0.0 --port "${PORT}" firetower.wsgi:application
 elif [ z"$1" = "zslack-bot" ]; then
-    COMMAND="/app/.venv/bin/django-admin run_slack_bot --settings firetower.settings"
+    exec /app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run /app/.venv/bin/django-admin run_slack_bot --settings firetower.settings
+elif [ z"$1" = "zworker" ]; then
+    exec /app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run /app/.venv/bin/django-admin wrapped_worker --settings firetower.settings
 else
-    echo "Usage: $0 (migrate|server|slack-bot)"
+    echo "Usage: $0 (migrate|server|slack-bot|worker)"
     exit 1
 fi
-
-export PYTHONPATH=/app:\$PYTHONPATH
-/app/.venv/bin/ddtrace-run $COMMAND
diff --git a/pyproject.toml b/pyproject.toml
index 3acf843d..98984f9f 100644
--- a/pyproject.toml
+++ b/pyproject.toml
@@ -19,6 +19,7 @@ dependencies = [
     "pyserde[toml]>=0.28.0",
     "notion-client>=3.0.0,<4.0.0",
     "requests>=2.32.0",
+    "django-q2>=1.7.4",
     "slack-bolt>=1.27.0",
     "slack-sdk>=3.31.0",
     "sentry-sdk>=2.47.0",
@@ -40,6 +41,7 @@ dev = [
     "ty>=0.0.1a19",
     "django-stubs>=5.2.7",
     "django-stubs-ext>=5.2.7",
+    "blessed>=1.39.0",
 ]
 prod = [
     "granian>=2.6.0",
diff --git a/src/firetower/config.py b/src/firetower/config.py
index a9ae7392..eef886a5 100644
--- a/src/firetower/config.py
+++ b/src/firetower/config.py
@@ -153,7 +153,7 @@ def __init__(self) -> None:
         self.pagerduty = None
         self.statuspage = None
         self.project_key = ""
-        self.django_secret_key = ""
+        self.django_secret_key = "dummy_value_DO_NOT_USE"
         self.sentry_dsn = ""
         self.region_grouping: list[list[str]] = []
         self.firetower_base_url = ""
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/management/__init__.py b/src/firetower/incidents/management/__init__.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e69de29b
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/management/commands/__init__.py b/src/firetower/incidents/management/commands/__init__.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e69de29b
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/management/commands/wrapped_worker.py b/src/firetower/incidents/management/commands/wrapped_worker.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e013d2a0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/firetower/incidents/management/commands/wrapped_worker.py
@@ -0,0 +1,133 @@
+import logging
+import os
+import re
+import shutil
+import signal
+import subprocess
+import sys
+import threading
+from http.server import BaseHTTPRequestHandler, HTTPServer
+from typing import Any
+
+from django.core.management.base import BaseCommand
+from django_q.conf import Conf
+from django_q.humanhash import humanize
+from django_q.status import Stat
+
+logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
+
+_CLUSTER_NAME_RE = re.compile(r"Q Cluster (\S+) starting\.")
+
+_state: dict[str, Any] = {}
+_shutdown = threading.Event()
+
+
+class _HealthHandler(BaseHTTPRequestHandler):
+    def do_GET(self) -> None:
+        cluster_name = _state.get("cluster_name")
+
+        if not cluster_name:
+            self._respond(503, "cluster not yet started", None)
+            return
+
+        # TODO: this is awkward. Because the output is "humanized" we can't do a simple query.
+        # TODO: is there maybe some way to un-humanize?
+        target = next(
+            (s for s in Stat.get_all() if humanize(s.cluster_id.hex) == cluster_name),
+            None,
+        )
+
+        if target is None:
+            self._respond(503, cluster_name, "not found or still starting")
+        elif target.status in (Conf.IDLE, Conf.WORKING):
+            self._respond(200, cluster_name, target.status)
+        else:
+            status = target.status
+            self._respond(500, cluster_name, status)
+
+    def _respond(self, code: int, cluster_name: str, status: Any) -> None:
+        self.send_response(code)
+        self.send_header("Content-type", "text/html")
+        self.end_headers()
+        self.wfile.write(
+            (
+                "<html><head><title>Django-Q Health Check</title></head>"
+                f"<body><p>Health check returned {code} response</p>"
+                f"<p>Cluster {cluster_name} status: {status}</p></body></html>"
+            ).encode()
+        )
+
+    def log_message(self, format: str, *args: Any) -> None:
+        pass
+
+
+def _start_health_server() -> HTTPServer:
+    port = int(os.environ.get("PORT", "8080"))
+    server = HTTPServer(("0.0.0.0", port), _HealthHandler)
+    thread = threading.Thread(target=server.serve_forever, daemon=True)
+    thread.start()
+    logger.info("Health check server listening on port %d", port)
+    return server
+
+
+def _handle_shutdown(signum: int, frame: Any) -> None:
+    logger.info("Received signal %d, shutting down", signum)
+    _shutdown.set()
+
+
+class Command(BaseCommand):
+    help = "Run a Q cluster subprocess wrapped with an HTTP health check server."
+
+    def handle(self, *args: Any, **options: Any) -> None:
+        _shutdown.clear()
+        _state.clear()
+        signal.signal(signal.SIGTERM, _handle_shutdown)
+        signal.signal(signal.SIGINT, _handle_shutdown)
+
+        server = _start_health_server()
+
+        django_admin = shutil.which("django-admin")
+        if django_admin is None or django_admin == "":
+            django_admin = "/app/.venv/bin/django-admin"
+
+        proc = None
+        try:
+            proc = subprocess.Popen(
+                [django_admin, "qcluster", "--settings", "firetower.settings"],
+                stdout=subprocess.PIPE,
+                stderr=subprocess.STDOUT,
+                text=True,
+                bufsize=1,
+            )
+
+            def _pump_output() -> None:
+                assert proc.stdout is not None
+                for line in proc.stdout:
+                    sys.stdout.write(line)
+                    sys.stdout.flush()
+                    if "cluster_name" not in _state:
+                        match = _CLUSTER_NAME_RE.search(line)
+                        if match:
+                            _state["cluster_name"] = match.group(1)
+                            logger.info("Detected cluster name: %s", match.group(1))
+
+            pump_thread = threading.Thread(target=_pump_output, daemon=True)
+            pump_thread.start()
+
+            while not _shutdown.is_set():
+                if proc.poll() is not None:
+                    logger.warning(
+                        "qcluster subprocess exited with code %s", proc.returncode
+                    )
+                    break
+                _shutdown.wait(timeout=1)
+        finally:
+            server.shutdown()
+            server.server_close()
+            if proc and proc.poll() is None:
+                proc.terminate()
+                try:
+                    proc.wait(timeout=10)
+                except subprocess.TimeoutExpired:
+                    proc.kill()
+                    proc.wait()
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/migrations/0016_schedule_demo.py b/src/firetower/incidents/migrations/0016_schedule_demo.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..876b06e5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/firetower/incidents/migrations/0016_schedule_demo.py
@@ -0,0 +1,28 @@
+from django.db import migrations
+
+from firetower.incidents.tasks import SCHEDULES
+
+
+def create_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "schedule_demo"
+    Schedule.objects.get_or_create(
+        name=schedule_name, defaults=SCHEDULES[schedule_name]
+    )
+
+
+def delete_schedule(apps, schema_editor):
+    Schedule = apps.get_model("django_q", "Schedule")
+    schedule_name = "schedule_demo"
+    Schedule.objects.filter(name=schedule_name).delete()
+
+
+class Migration(migrations.Migration):
+    dependencies = [
+        ("incidents", "0015_add_notion_troubleshooting_link_type"),
+        ("django_q", "0018_task_success_index"),
+    ]
+
+    operations = [
+        migrations.RunPython(create_schedule, delete_schedule),
+    ]
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/tasks.py b/src/firetower/incidents/tasks.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..49d79c3c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/firetower/incidents/tasks.py
@@ -0,0 +1,60 @@
+import functools
+import logging
+import re
+from typing import Protocol
+
+from datadog import statsd
+from django_q.tasks import Schedule
+
+from firetower.incidents.models import Incident
+
+SCHEDULES = {
+    "schedule_demo": {
+        "func": "firetower.incidents.tasks.schedule_demo",
+        "schedule_type": Schedule.MINUTES,  # Minutes
+        "minutes": 5,
+        "repeats": -1,  # repeat indefinitely
+    },
+}
+
+DATADOG_INVALID_CHARS = re.compile(r"[^A-Za-z0-9-_.\/]")
+
+
+logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
+
+
+class NamedFunction(Protocol):
+    __name__: str
+
+    def __call__(self) -> None:
+        pass
+
+
+def datadog_log(f: NamedFunction) -> NamedFunction:
+    task_name: str = DATADOG_INVALID_CHARS.sub("_", f.__name__)
+    tags = [f"task:{task_name}"]
+
+    @functools.wraps(f)
+    def wrapper() -> None:
+        statsd.increment("django_q.task.run", 1, tags)
+        try:
+            f()
+        except Exception as e:
+            statsd.increment("django_q.task.error", 1, tags)
+            logger.error(
+                f"Error while executing task '{task_name}': {e}", exc_info=True
+            )
+            raise e
+        else:
+            statsd.increment("django_q.task.success", 1, tags)
+
+    return wrapper
+
+
+@datadog_log
+def schedule_demo() -> None:
+    incident = Incident.objects.order_by("-created_at").first()
+    if incident:
+        logger.info(f"Most recent incident: INC-{incident.id}: {incident.title}")
+    else:
+        logger.info("No incidents found.")
diff --git a/src/firetower/incidents/tests/test_tasks.py b/src/firetower/incidents/tests/test_tasks.py
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..5eb1d820
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/firetower/incidents/tests/test_tasks.py
@@ -0,0 +1,99 @@
+from unittest.mock import call, patch
+
+from firetower.incidents.tasks import datadog_log
+
+
+class TestDatadogLogTaskName:
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_replaces_invalid_chars_with_underscore(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f_with_bad_chars() -> None:
+            pass
+
+        f_with_bad_chars.__name__ = "task with spaces & symbols!"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f_with_bad_chars)
+        wrapped()
+
+        expected_tags = ["task:task_with_spaces___symbols_"]
+        mock_statsd.increment.assert_any_call("django_q.task.run", 1, expected_tags)
+
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_preserves_alphanumerics_dash_underscore_dot_slash(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            pass
+
+        f.__name__ = "namespace/sub-task_v1.2"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+        wrapped()
+
+        expected_tags = ["task:namespace/sub-task_v1.2"]
+        mock_statsd.increment.assert_any_call("django_q.task.run", 1, expected_tags)
+
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_replaces_consecutive_invalid_chars_individually(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            pass
+
+        f.__name__ = "a@@b"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+        wrapped()
+
+        expected_tags = ["task:a__b"]
+        mock_statsd.increment.assert_any_call("django_q.task.run", 1, expected_tags)
+
+
+class TestDatadogLogStatsdIncrements:
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_increments_run_and_success_on_normal_completion(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            pass
+
+        f.__name__ = "ok_task"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+        wrapped()
+
+        tags = ["task:ok_task"]
+        assert mock_statsd.increment.call_args_list == [
+            call("django_q.task.run", 1, tags),
+            call("django_q.task.success", 1, tags),
+        ]
+
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_increments_run_and_error_when_function_raises(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            raise ValueError("boom")
+
+        f.__name__ = "broken_task"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+        wrapped()
+
+        tags = ["task:broken_task"]
+        assert mock_statsd.increment.call_args_list == [
+            call("django_q.task.run", 1, tags),
+            call("django_q.task.error", 1, tags),
+        ]
+
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_does_not_increment_success_when_function_raises(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            raise RuntimeError("nope")
+
+        f.__name__ = "failing_task"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+        wrapped()
+
+        success_calls = [
+            c
+            for c in mock_statsd.increment.call_args_list
+            if c.args[0] == "django_q.task.success"
+        ]
+        assert success_calls == []
+
+    @patch("firetower.incidents.tasks.statsd")
+    def test_swallows_exception_from_wrapped_function(self, mock_statsd):
+        def f() -> None:
+            raise Exception("should not propagate")
+
+        f.__name__ = "raises"
+        wrapped = datadog_log(f)
+
+        wrapped()
diff --git a/src/firetower/settings.py b/src/firetower/settings.py
index fcb94dac..246395f0 100644
--- a/src/firetower/settings.py
+++ b/src/firetower/settings.py
@@ -123,6 +123,7 @@ def _coerce_region_grouping(raw: list[Any]) -> list[list[str]]:
     "firetower.incidents",
     "firetower.integrations",
     "firetower.slack_app",
+    "django_q",
 ]
 
 MIDDLEWARE = [
@@ -377,3 +378,25 @@ class StatuspageSettings(TypedDict):
         },
     },
 }
+
+Q_CLUSTER = {
+    "name": "firetower",
+    "orm": "default",
+    "workers": 4,
+    "timeout": 180,
+    "retry": 210,
+    "queue_limit": 50,
+    "bulk": 10,
+    "cache": "qcache",
+}
+
+CACHE_TABLE = "django_q_cache"
+CACHES = {
+    "default": {
+        "BACKEND": "django.core.cache.backends.locmem.LocMemCache",
+    },
+    "qcache": {
+        "BACKEND": "django.core.cache.backends.db.DatabaseCache",
+        "LOCATION": CACHE_TABLE,
+    },
+}
diff --git a/uv.lock b/uv.lock
index 720e94ca..42304dc1 100644
--- a/uv.lock
+++ b/uv.lock
@@ -17,6 +17,15 @@ wheels = [
     { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/78/b6/6307fbef88d9b5ee7421e68d78a9f162e0da4900bc5f5793f6d3d0e34fb8/annotated_types-0.7.0-py3-none-any.whl", hash = "sha256:1f02e8b43a8fbbc3f3e0d4f0f4bfc8131bcb4eebe8849b8e5c773f3a1c582a53", size = 13643, upload-time = "2024-05-20T21:33:24.1Z" },
 ]
 
+[[package]]
+name = "ansicon"
+version = "1.89.0"
+source = { registry = "https://pypi.org/simple" }
+sdist = { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/b6/e2/1c866404ddbd280efedff4a9f15abfe943cb83cde6e895022370f3a61f85/ansicon-1.89.0.tar.gz", hash = "sha256:e4d039def5768a47e4afec8e89e83ec3ae5a26bf00ad851f914d1240b444d2b1", size = 67312, upload-time = "2019-04-29T20:23:57.314Z" }
+wheels = [
+    { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/75/f9/f1c10e223c7b56a38109a3f2eb4e7fe9a757ea3ed3a166754fb30f65e466/ansicon-1.89.0-py2.py3-none-any.whl", hash = "sha256:f1def52d17f65c2c9682cf8370c03f541f410c1752d6a14029f97318e4b9dfec", size = 63675, upload-time = "2019-04-29T20:23:53.83Z" },
+]
+
 [[package]]
 name = "anyio"
 version = "4.13.0"
@@ -48,6 +57,19 @@ wheels = [
     { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/71/cc/18245721fa7747065ab478316c7fea7c74777d07f37ae60db2e84f8172e8/beartype-0.22.9-py3-none-any.whl", hash = "sha256:d16c9bbc61ea14637596c5f6fbff2ee99cbe3573e46a716401734ef50c3060c2", size = 1333658, upload-time = "2025-12-13T06:50:28.266Z" },
 ]
 
+[[package]]
+name = "blessed"
+version = "1.39.0"
+source = { registry = "https://pypi.org/simple" }
+dependencies = [
+    { name = "jinxed", marker = "sys_platform == 'win32'" },
+    { name = "wcwidth" },
+]
+sdist = { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/94/ca/47457ccbfeac62002079ebc47509e1eccd5c8ec764c78975c7afd81c6b4a/blessed-1.39.0.tar.gz", hash = "sha256:b04fc7141a20a3b2ade6cad741051f1e3ac59cc1e7e90915ed1f9e521332bea4", size = 14011417, upload-time = "2026-05-04T17:50:02.55Z" }
+wheels = [
+    { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/5a/9f/e4d4ff45bc63d22fa63c9fc3835c480e3ec6b71009d6338cb603394ef540/blessed-1.39.0-py3-none-any.whl", hash = "sha256:666e7e3fd0a4e38c3a262eaaf1e22a4ce2c81337aa17593c3f60ea136ec24fe1", size = 124254, upload-time = "2026-05-04T17:49:59.976Z" },
+]
+
 [[package]]
 name = "bytecode"
 version = "0.17.0"
@@ -479,6 +501,31 @@ wheels = [
     { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/fd/d0/14e763857e44fc8d846f786527c777d6b85d649e5d990e29cf2b468a91d9/django_kubernetes-1.1.0-py3-none-any.whl", hash = "sha256:068cca992a6b3f8030774618ce23ee22cf68b565a35faa46bb6ccd97f034c029", size = 13731, upload-time = "2025-06-18T16:46:59.95Z" },
 ]
 
+[[package]]
+name = "django-picklefield"
+version = "3.4.0"
+source = { registry = "https://pypi.org/simple" }
+dependencies = [
+    { name = "django" },
+]
+sdist = { url = "https://files.pythonhosted.org/packages/93/03/13114bccbd1ec8c026ac1ff33dae75ae6c6a5632e4769ee9cda283b9f57e/django_picklefield-3.4.0.tar.gz", hash = "sha256:3a1f740536c0e60d0dba43aa89ccdbe86760d4c3f8ec47799eae122baa741d0a", size = 12555, upload-time = "2025-11-27T03:11:53.13Z" }
+wheels = [
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+]
+
+[[package]]
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+version = "1.9.0"
+source = { registry = "https://pypi.org/simple" }
+dependencies = [
+    { name = "django" },
+    { name = "django-picklefield" },
+]
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+]
+
 [[package]]
 name = "django-stubs"
 version = "5.2.7"
@@ -549,6 +596,7 @@ dependencies = [
     { name = "django" },
     { name = "django-cors-headers" },
     { name = "django-kubernetes" },
+    { name = "django-q2" },
     { name = "djangorestframework" },
     { name = "google-auth" },
     { name = "google-genai" },
@@ -563,6 +611,7 @@ dependencies = [
 
 [package.dev-dependencies]
 dev = [
+    { name = "blessed" },
     { name = "django-stubs" },
     { name = "django-stubs-ext" },
     { name = "mypy" },
@@ -588,6 +637,7 @@ requires-dist = [
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     { name = "django-cors-headers", specifier = ">=4.9.0" },
     { name = "django-kubernetes", specifier = ">=1.1.0" },
+    { name = "django-q2", specifier = ">=1.7.4" },
     { name = "djangorestframework", specifier = ">=3.15.2" },
     { name = "google-auth", specifier = ">=2.37.0" },
     { name = "google-genai", specifier = ">=1.0.0" },
@@ -602,6 +652,7 @@ requires-dist = [
 
 [package.metadata.requires-dev]
 dev = [
+    { name = "blessed", specifier = ">=1.39.0" },
     { name = "django-stubs", specifier = ">=5.2.7" },
     { name = "django-stubs-ext", specifier = ">=5.2.7" },
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+[[package]]
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+source = { registry = "https://pypi.org/simple" }
+dependencies = [
+    { name = "ansicon", marker = "sys_platform == 'win32'" },
+]
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+]
+
 [[package]]
 name = "legacy-cgi"
 version = "2.6.4"
@@ -1617,6 +1680,15 @@ wheels = [
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 ]
 
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+]
+
 [[package]]
 name = "websockets"
 version = "16.0"